I wish I were a genius so that I could implement some of my wonderful ideas. I realize I must be pretty close to even come up with them, but I’m just not sure of the actual “nutz and boltz” of my ideas. Ya know what I mean? I know my helium filled key chain would be a hit, and Gob knows my snot car would solve a lot of problems.
But what I want to do now is power the country with body fat. That’s right, put “tubby” on a tread mill, and take the dams out of the rivers.
You see, I have recently discovered that the human body – MY body – is the most fuel efficient machine ever made. It’s really amazing – annoying as hell, - but amazing how it manufactures and stores fuel for later use.
Since I’ve been trying to loose weight, I’ve done a lot of research and I found out that in order to get rid of the roll around my mid section, I have to burn more fat that I take in.
Sounds easy enough, except that even when I cut out fat from my diet, my damn body turns everything ELSE I eat into fat! The problem is, all these calories and carbohydrates - if I don’t burn them off, (in ADDITION to the fat I’m supposed to burn off!) all of them get turned into fat and saved for LATER! Now, how fair is that??? I don’t NEED them later! I don’t WANT them later! But tough shit, they get SAVED for LATER! So basically, I have to work hard enough to burn off fat, calories AND carbohydrates, or I get to keep the love handles! Who came up with that brilliant idea??? Oh, I suppose I could cut out fat, calories and carbs and e
xist on, um… tap water?
So,… for the first time in my life, I understand why there are so many extremely over weight, obese, people in the world. If I could start some of those REALLY BIG ONES on treadmills hooked up to power plants, I could power Portland for weeks between “feedings”, and I’d be helping all those nice people loose weight, AND I’d be making the world a better (looking) place!
Pretty brilliant, huh? Aren’t I amazing?
But what I want to do now is power the country with body fat. That’s right, put “tubby” on a tread mill, and take the dams out of the rivers.
You see, I have recently discovered that the human body – MY body – is the most fuel efficient machine ever made. It’s really amazing – annoying as hell, - but amazing how it manufactures and stores fuel for later use.
Since I’ve been trying to loose weight, I’ve done a lot of research and I found out that in order to get rid of the roll around my mid section, I have to burn more fat that I take in.
Sounds easy enough, except that even when I cut out fat from my diet, my damn body turns everything ELSE I eat into fat! The problem is, all these calories and carbohydrates - if I don’t burn them off, (in ADDITION to the fat I’m supposed to burn off!) all of them get turned into fat and saved for LATER! Now, how fair is that??? I don’t NEED them later! I don’t WANT them later! But tough shit, they get SAVED for LATER! So basically, I have to work hard enough to burn off fat, calories AND carbohydrates, or I get to keep the love handles! Who came up with that brilliant idea??? Oh, I suppose I could cut out fat, calories and carbs and e
xist on, um… tap water?So,… for the first time in my life, I understand why there are so many extremely over weight, obese, people in the world. If I could start some of those REALLY BIG ONES on treadmills hooked up to power plants, I could power Portland for weeks between “feedings”, and I’d be helping all those nice people loose weight, AND I’d be making the world a better (looking) place!
Pretty brilliant, huh? Aren’t I amazing?
4 comments:
GOD DAMN IT WHY DID YOU HAVE TO POST THAT PICTURE NOW I HAVE IT STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know, I think you might be on to something though. That just might qualify as a brilliant idea. The problem, I'm afraid, is GETTING those people to stay on the treadmill, and not, say, wander off to Krispy Kreme. mmmm...doughnuts....
I wish you were a genius too.
That picture is awful. Can you imagine living with that? I bet he's looking at porn on his computer there don't ya think? Disgusting slime ball. How would ya like to sit on that chair when he gets up? Friggin' disgusting. How could he let anyone take a picture of him like that?
I think the picture had the desired effect.
I don't know why on earth you would even be concerned with your weight, but you're a woman so we've all been there (except maybe mom/Jodi). The key is not to cut out ALL fats but to cut out bad ones and focus on good ones. The other key? Don't cut out entire food groups except maybe the candy variety if you partake in consistently large quantities. For better or for worse I know a lot about what makes us lose weight because it's been a problem for a long time. At some point in the future I would like blogger to be able to post my .jpg files from when I was younger and much fatter than I am now. It wasn't pretty. By the time I hit 22 I had been through weight watchers FOUR times, Jenny Craig once, Atkins for a while and I dabbled with South Beach and briefly anorexia. :) Yay! No, not really, I've kind of plateaued and allowed myself to stay where I am without worrying too much about my intake cuz I guess I'm always going to be big boned, as they say.
If you do try something, south beach is supposed to be very healthy for your heart. Plus they encourage the occasional wine drinking, which I really liked. I just couldn't bring myself to eat tomatoes like they suggested...bleh!
That's funny, Jodi, the first thing I thought of was: Don't sit in THAT chair !
I have cut out salt, red meat ( most of the time), watched portions (at home),carbs, calories and fat, for years,and yet pounds and fat keep gaining on me. I'm just going to go with the new theory that I heard on TV news: that roll around the middle helps protect against heart attacks. yeaaaaa, its good for you !
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